The Beige Globe Awards

I know, I know: It’s the Golden Globe Awards. But if that’s the case, then why was the predominant color of the evening really an absence of color? Call it beige, nude, champagne…whatever you like. But from Demi to Salma to Angelina, there was a whole lot of no color happening. Oops! Except, that is, for the orange skin tones of Lisa Rinna and Cameron Diaz. Forgot about that. Is this what we’re supposed to expect for spring? I sure hope not. At least a few stars brought color to the red carpet. But does it say something about the current economic situation that the color seen second most often is blue? Not exactly cheery. Many of the dresses and gown were beautiful, though. On the other hand, some wouldn’t even make it to the floor of the Goodwill! Forthwith, the DCGF’s take on the night…

By golly if Angie Jo didn’t pull it off big time. Yeah, I know – she tends to wear similar, midriff-concealing outfits now that she’s a mom, but do you know any other moms that look this good in Versace, or earlier on sporting her edgier-than-thou IC! Berlin sunglasses? I think not. (Sorry mom!) I like the flowing locks, I like how the thigh-high slit plays off the volume at the bottom of the dress (we’re going to see some who went overboard with the whole “ball gown” concept in a minute), I like the d’Orsay pumps, I like the absence of huge jewels. Well played, mother of many nations. Well played.

Speaking of mothers, Salma Hayek seems to be looking better than ever. I like how she didn’t blab to all the tabloids about how easy it was to lose weight after the baby, oh my size 28 jeans fit after 6 weeks, you know the drill. In fact, she seems not too concerned with overexposing anything except her…uh…cheekbones. And my are they fine. This Dior dress has the wonderful lines of something a modern dancer might wear. And like Angelina’s, it actually looks comfortable. Some are saying it looks to tight, but I disagree. Now Beyonce was poured into her dress. This doesn’t compare. And the big cocktail ring on the forefinger looks awesome. Is it real? Do I even need to ask?

Get ready to lob the September issue of Vogue at me for this one, dear readers, but I actually like Maggie Gyllenhaal’s Lanvin dress. She took a risk and it paid off. Sure, there’s one poufy shoulder and it is an animal print not found in nature, but you have to admit it’s working for her. She looks beautiful and healthy and totally pulled together in a not-overdone-by-my-stylist way, which is really refreshing considering all the princess looks trotted out by women twice her age. I’m sticking to my guns on this one: Maggie, the DCGF applauds you.

Drew Barrymore, the DCGF does not applaud you. It’s not that you’ve recently resurrected a dark-rooted version of your unfortunate look from Never Been Kissed, or that you continue to make Chick Flick movies with unwavering aplomb. Oh no. I can put up with all of that. But couldn’t you at the very least get a dress that fits properly for something as important as the Golden Globes? Look at all the sagging and pulling in the bodice. And maybe the sleeves are supposed to be like that, but they remind me of ill-fitting bra straps that keep slipping off one’s shoulders at inopportune moments. You have a great bod; just don’t put it in someone else’s dress. Oh Taraji P. Henson. What hath your stylist wrought? This dress would – I think – be flattering to your figure if it wasn’t some unholy amalgam of a Marimekko poppy pattern and Morticia Addams’ leftover sewing scraps. I just can’t wrap my mind around what’s going on here. You have great accessories, your make-up is simple and fresh looking, but… The dress. The dress. Finally we have poor little Renee Zellweger, who apparently didn’t get the memo that you’re not supposed to wear all of the trends in one outfit. Nude color: check. Humongous fishtail hemline: check. Big hair: check. Big jewels: check. Small clutch: check. Hilarious overall effect: check. ‘Nuff said.